Fighting the demons

 

I often look at myself, and can't meet the eyes because of the physical scars I’ve given

myself, the universe has given me. Sometimes unable to process how did I get here, when

did I get here, and longing for the answer when will I get out of this? I feel like my life only

made sense when I was with you, every moment, each comment, every conversation we

had was worth living a thousand times more than living the after version. But who am I to

blame other than myself right? Because that’s all I can do, to give myself an assurance that

maybe I’ve become a monster.I blame the universe for putting me in such position from where I can not whisper your name

everytime I need someone to hold onto, every battle, every pain, each tear has to be fought

alone like a soldier, and here I was thinking to be a prince, how foolish of me. I believe this

battle has made me a monster now, I am not a prince I was hoping I’ll become one day, but

a monster who has to act tough in each situation, take every pain like I deserve, like I know

how to fight with it, but in reality I’m just a naive young man who is masking this behind a

tough man.

My body felt every inch of your word, when I was pretending to stand strong in front of you,

taking all the harsh words said by you. But how foolish of you to think that's the only battle I

am fighting, I just never want to burden you with my problem. I guess I never learned the

concept of self love, as all the love I ever felt was for you. But don’t worry I’m selfish in this

case, as I loved me the most when I expressed love to you, in as many ways as possible.

However sometimes I find myself in a loop, from which I can not get out even if I try, do you

know why? Because this time the scars are given by the universe, funny ain’t it.

For a long time, I felt as if I should punish myself, for the endless harm that I have

committed, but this time the universe took the driving seat in my life, to drive me through hell,

or guide me through life? Yet to figure out. Every visit outside feels like an overwhelming day

for me because I don’t know when the last will be. The demons are creeping inside of me,

calling out my name, just to see how I would react. But I act like everything is in control, that

I’m the one who is controlling the demon, by summoning it in me. Don’t know how long I

could hold on to, but you know what’s the scariest part that you would never know when my

last battle be.

My journey will end there, while you will sit with a frown and shock on your face, trying to

accept the reality that you have created. Because deep down you would know that you

could’ve changed not the whole, but the slightest bit only by showing up to the door,

randomly. You will be thinking that whilst I’ll be chatting with the universe up above

somewhere, looking down on you, thinking what a silly fella.

Keeping all that aside, while I’m living, I don't want anything but the best, because as I said

I’m fighting the demons not you. I want for you to reach to the stars and moon, and trust me

if it would’ve been in my hand, I would have done it for you, I want nothing but the best, with

me, without me, leave it to the rest. I’ll try my best to fight as long as I can, otherwise I’ll meet

you up there when you come knocking on the doors of the moon, claiming it is yours. I’ll

open the door, meet your gaze and hand it over to you without a single word. I’ll wave you a

goodbye, not to make you realise, I’m not actually there with you, but I am too shy applaud for you as I believe you might claim it as an offence to you 

                                                        -Synchroblogs